i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
You can't special order awesome
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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