did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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