i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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