I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
