Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Randomize
