I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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