and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
