I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
