last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
