walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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