today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
