i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
