thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
