I am puke
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
