my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
