i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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