I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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