My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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