he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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