Tell her she can't have a vagina
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
