Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize