When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
