i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
