Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
