dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
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