You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
He has the fingertips of a God
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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