I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Did I show you my penis last night?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
