are you still at the devil's house?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
