There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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