At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
