Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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