got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
