even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
