it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
