How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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