But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
My life is pants optional.
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