I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
My penis needs a shock collar
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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