we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
