Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
