I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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