I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
