so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
