I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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