Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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