The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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