I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
