my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Randomize
