i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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