my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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