Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
