my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
