Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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