for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
