ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
