we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
