Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
