I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize