Already got asked if we're dating
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
