You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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