So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Never joke about your clitoris.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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